More Balancing….

SaLuSa: “Man is still strongly influenced by his warrior image that he has carried with him for eons of time. When will you learn that your warlike ways are so futile and gain you no advantage in the long run?” (June 2, 2010.)

Life isn’t what it used to be.

Years ago, things looked fairly black and white. I could divide the world into the good and the bad and that was the end of it. I could traffic in generalizations and just back it up with bluster, which I disguised as “passion” or “commitment.” I had my way.

But the fire in me is dying down as each month passes. The energy of antagonism, the “us against them” gusto, the male superhero energy is gradually dropping away. I have no competitiveness any more. I don’t even feel a desire to win – at someone else’s expense.

What is coming home more and more is that, if things were once so cut and dried, there is much moistness now, many more refined distinctions to the black and white.

For instance, I think we’re still confronted with the necessity to oppose the influence of the dark forces but today we find ourselves doing it knowing full well that many of those now seemingly shrouded in darkness will abandon it before long and join the Light. This is not a mere belief for me any more. It’s becoming a felt conviction.

Yes, my face is still set against darkness, but it isn’t set against people quite so much as it used to be. I see that the darkness will disappear, but I also see that the people will join the Light. I can make that distinction now where I couldn’t before.

A friend once told me, and his words grow more meaningful as each year passes, we’ll all be sitting at the same table before this age is up. Yes, we will, it seems.

Perhaps it’s the slow simmering that the increasing Light is causing. Perhaps it’s the transition to crystal structure. Maybe the new DNA is kicking in. I have no idea.

This rapid loss of aggressiveness has me totally off-stride. I used to be defined by aggression, by push and drive. I made a mission, a virtue of testosterone. To watch that aggressiveness leaving me and leaving imperceptibly is to feel vulnerable, naked.

My story is gone. My mask has been removed. The Wizard of Oz has been discovered behind the curtain. Superman is wilting in the face of kryptonite. Samson cannot lift a stone with his anchorite’s hair shorn.

I imagine this will be our lot in life as we move further into the new energies – letting go continuously. Sometimes I find myself just sitting here blankly, feeling unable to respond as I’ve done for years, without a line, without a rejoinder. I don’t know myself any more. How would others know me?

I know it isn’t wise to substitute a new act for the one I’ve just discarded. I must sit here vulnerably, openly, not knowing what to say.

I weep at how defenceless I feel these days. And nothing external has changed. I’m just not the person I used to be.